My First Time Coming Home

Processed with VSCO with jm1 presetSomething that seemed to be the happiest day of my life, soon turned into a nightmare. I arrived from the UK yesterday, the 13th of December, 2016. Today, just being the the 14th of December, I’m experiencing this weird sensation. Anxiety.

Before today, I only knew anxiety to rise when I happened to be in a situation I wasn’t familiar with or when it came to a change in anything. I never thought I would face anxiety due to a familiar circumstance.

A few worries came to mind a few days before I boarded my flight, like: new friends my friends had made, relationships and friendships I thought would have changed positively over time and just trying to throw myself in the lives of my friends, the lives they formed with my absence. The only thing that kept my anxiety under control just literally a few days ago, was the excitement and the building up of excitement. Today I surprised my friends and they were beyond thrilled to see me, fact. My friend was so excited to see me that she was in tears, another fact. My friends and family never said anything negative about me being there, yet another fact. Even though there were nothing but positive vibes, all this negativity has come over me. Today was the day, I saw first hand, my friends lives without me.

Processed with VSCO with oc presetThis has taught me that I can’t handle change and really cannot handle change when the situation is supposed to be very familiar. Geographically wise, nothing has changed, however, situations have and I’m finding it hard to accept. I’ve also learnt that,  you should never have expectations of changing attitudes towards you. There are relationships that are great until one day, you hit an iceberg and its not so great and just because you move away for about 5 months, does not mean the absence will rekindle any positive feelings. There’s a reason why the phrase is “Absence makes the heart grow founder” and not “found”. Don’t have expectations of these negative feelings to just disappear, either some people just have deeper wounds or some people are just stubborn.

As for not fitting in, into your friends new lives without you? Thats the problem with the world, everyones moving too quick so try and keep up, if you have any questions, ask your friends!

Something that’s really helping me right this moment, is just reassuring myself that my friends do love me as sometimes you just lose confidence in yourself. Moving away is a scary thing but now I think coming back is equally scary. You have to try and fit into the lives of the people who tried their hardest to get the thought of you, out of their minds just so they would not miss you too much.

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